Tears

I promised to myself I would never be invaded or possessed by force or by pressure, and that honesty would always go first. The price to pay, of course, is not allowing myself to behave the way I don’t want others to behave with me.

You were honest with me today. You’ve been honest all these weeks or months. I tried my best to be honest too. I showed you all this time how much I liked you and I felt more vulnerable than I’d felt in years. I felt terribly vulnerable and safe at the same time, since I knew I could afford to be vulnerable because I’m strong, and because you would never do a bad use of my vulnerability.

You saw a tiny tear escape from my eye today, and this was me showing, again, honesty and vulnerability. You didn’t expect me to remain unaffected, did you?

What you didn’t see is how many hours I cried and sobbed after you left. You didn’t see how difficult it is for me right now to not go after you, calling you every five minutes saying “look at me crying” or “look what you’ve done to me”. I promised not to pressure, force, invade or possess, and this is what I am doing, although from the bottom of my heart I can still hear the voice of the shitty person I used to be telling me to play manipulation tricks on you. I would bury you in questions with the illusion that I would eventually find the answer that calmed me down, I would wonder again and again what I should have done differently, who I should have been instead. But I know you don’t have any miracle answer, you don’t owe me any answer, and I was all this time myself, so I won’t wish having been someone else.

You say you don’t want to hurt me or hurt her. I can only say that you cannot hurt me with honesty and tact as you had today. I am sad, I am really sad, but *you* didn’t *hurt* me, I just got hurt by exposing my feelings myself all this time. I took a risk, and I take full responsibility. I would not change anything that has happened, not even now that I still have tears rolling down my cheeks.

A strong commitment to one’s own freedom implies a strong commitment to the other’s freedom, no matter how much it hurts. I am happy and grateful for having known someone with such a pure heart, and I sincerely wish to continue knowing you more. I am more sad than you can possibly imagine, but sadness is just a sign of having touched the sky.

I’ll be here if you want to have a beer, if you want to talk or if you want to cuddle. You continue being such a special person, and I’ll continue my struggle to treat others the way I want to be treated myself.

And, if one day you want to know, I’ll tell you how much I cried today, and how high you took me so that now my sadness feels deeper than the sea.